


(Look at the hidden secret)odd eye

by Rainy_Summer17



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Bonding, Bullying, But not between showki or any other mx member dont worry, Canon Compliant, Clubbing, Coming Out, Dark Past, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Family, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gay, Gay Panic, Guilt, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drinking, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing in the Rain, M/M, Mentioned Monsta X Ensemble, No Smut, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Pre-Relationship, References to Depression, Sad Yoo Kihyun, Secret Crush, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Soft Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, Violent Thoughts, Yoo Kihyun-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:28:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29013594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainy_Summer17/pseuds/Rainy_Summer17
Summary: Kihyun never understood why it never felt right with any girl, even when she was his ideal type. That was before he realized:All those girls were not Shownu.[Title of Odd Eye by Dreamcatcher]
Relationships: Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 18
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

If Kihyun would have been asked his ideal type, he would've answered a cute girl, maybe smaller. Someone who does aegyo, a woman good to marry. He remembered those times at the bar, sitting next to his soon to be bandmates, looking at the girls out there. Some were cute, he had to admit, yet none made him want to stand up and do something. It was always like something was missing, and Kihyun couldn't point what. So many girls were his exact ideal type, plus they were super sweet and caring but...It didn't feel right. Each time he had a rendez-vous, he always felt disappointed because he knew he couldn't be with the girl. Why? He didn't know. He never knew, and it made him crazy. Ever since no mercy, Kihyun had lost all ability to date anyone. Maybe because he was now an idol? He had no idea, but it made him go crazy. He just wanted to know what was wrong! 

Kihyun eventually realized the problem one night at the dorm.

Everything was perfectly calm and silence reigned in the kitchen. The members had finished eating and had returned to their rooms for the most part. There were only the two maknaes and their leader left, discussing something at the table while he washed the dirty plates.

-Thanks for dinner, Eomma!

Said the two younger ones in heart, which made the young man smile. They liked to use that nickname every now and then to tease their vocalist's hand a bit. The rappers came over to kiss their friend's cheek as a thank you and went back to their room, leaving him alone with Hyunwoo.

The latter, as the maknaes left, shouted to them "Be careful, no nonsense!" It didn't bother the smaller one to be alone with his leader; everything was very comfortable with him, as if they had always known each other. A few seconds passed, and that was when Kihyun felt a presence by his side. Shownu had taken a few plates and was washing them in turn while whistling, making his sidekick smile. He really felt like a mother at the time. To have a family, even a husband. This made Kihyun laugh softly before the truth hit him.

They are not Hyunwoo.

These girls weren't his hyung. He didn't want just any girl; he wanted Shownu. A plate fell to the floor and exploded in shock at the news.

-Ki '?

The older boy's deep voice echoed, concern apparent in it. The latter hastened to help his dongsaeng, picking up the pieces of glass on the ground so that he wouldn't get hurt. Meanwhile, Kihyun just stood there, his mouth half-open and his breath gasping. He didn't know what to make of this sudden realization. It scared him like nothing else could. Being in love with his friend was already bad if you were a straight man, but even more if you weren't as straight as you thought and that the guy was your bandmate too. It meant maybe losing everything he fought for. Or his own mind. Or Hyunwoo.

Kihyun had never been so scared in his entire life.


	2. Don't get any closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!TW!! Mention and description of self-harm. Internalized homophobia and self-hatred.
> 
> Very sad chapter. This will get better i swear, im too much of a sucker for happy ending.

"You're so ugly. No wonder no girl ever wanted you back"

That was all Kihyun could hear as he looked at his reflection in the mirror. Kihyun passed his hands softly on his face, his fingers stopped on every little part he considered imperfect. Every little beauty grain he had too much. His hands were shaking. He knew a lot of people actually found him beautiful, "gorgeous", even, but he knew deep down that it was all lies. They loved the makeup, but they couldn't see what was underneath. Every ugly mole and scar on his body. He hated them more than anything, wished he could be normal, but no. Each day, he grew more horrible and a worse human being. 

That's what he loved about the shower; he wasn't crying alone anymore. There was water mixing with his tears, and he had all the peace he needed here. All the peace he needed to hate himself, to admit to himself all the truths. He couldn't keep lying to himself and believe his members' lies about how beautiful he was. Hyunwoo was maybe the worst with that.

Hyunwoo. The simple thought of his bandmate made him sob harder, curling on himself more. Ever since he realized his feelings for his elder, he never tried to deny them; what was the point? He denied them long enough. His love for Hyunwoo was real, and very vivid; there was no point in hiding them once again deep inside him. He knew he had feelings for his leader, didn't wanna act like he did not because if anything, Hyunwoo deserved to be loved. He shouldn't be ashamed of loving such an incredible man, who deserved to be taken care of, deserved everything in the world. Sadly, Kihyun knew it would never be his place to give Hyunwoo the love he needed. That it would break everything, destroy his and his bandmate's dreams.

He knew how hard they fought, too. It wouldn't be fair to make them suffer of his own stupidity, of his own homosexuality for a man he was way too close to to love. Kihyun had no choice but to suffer alone, feel the pain running through his blood. He hated it, wanted to tear his skin appart. He hated himself, hated his stupid feelings and wish they would go away. Wish he wouldn't be such a sinner. Why couldn't he like every other boy? He promised his mother he'd bring her a cute, perfect girl to marry one day. He was a disappointment, never controlling anything and he hated it. Hated how now, every time he saw the oldest, his heart would start to beat louder and his skin would sweat. Kihyun absolutely hated how he felt jealous of his friends for being with Hyunwoo when he himself was avoiding him. Hated the way he was staring at those lips, sometimes, and being overwhelmed with the need to kiss.

He hated it, hated himself and the way he felt. Hyunwoo deserved better anyways, and this thought that tore his heart appart made everything feel so painful.

"Nobody will ever love you, freak."

And Kihyun knew it. He wasn't even trying to silence the voice; he knew she was right. Nonetheless, he wanted to silence everything. To just forget about his heart clenching tightly.

That's why the young man took his scissors they kept in the bathroom and used them to cut his skin, feeling the pain run through his body. It hurted, but still less than his dying heart and it made him forget about that. So he kept cutting, until all he could see was red and all he could think was that as long as Hyunwoo was happy, he would be too.

Kihyun knew he was saying bullshit to himself. But, as he was covering the marks on his arms, he really believed himself for some instants. And that was all that mattered for now.


	3. Hold me tight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Movie night. Explanations.
> 
> Again, sad chapter. It's getting better soon.
> 
> TW:Suicidal thoughts. Honestly, if it's triggering for you, you might not wanna read the following chapters either

It was a normal movie night in Monsta X's dorm. As usual, Kihyun had been forced to follow by a whiney Minhyuk, whom he couldn't say no to. However, he wished he could have had the strength to tell him no. The sight of Hyunwoo cuddling Jooheon on the couch so naturally made his heart and entire body ache and made him feel a bit sick. Kihyun knew it was stupid to feel that way, since he himself avoided his friend, but he felt in a sense that Hyunwoo didn't care. Or didn't even care enough to notice that Kihyun has been drifting away. Like their friendship didn't matter that much to him, like Kihyun wasn't important enough that Shownu reached to him. It was selfish, he knew it and he hated himself for that, but he couldn't help it. It made Kihyun feel almost angry, betrayed...Rejected. He could hear it, could hear the voice in his head telling him he wasn't important. And he was starting to believe said voice more and more. The only thing he never gave in was the suicidal thoughts. While Kihyun might be selfish on some side, he knew what kind of shit he would pull his friend through if he actually went as far as hurting himself severely or even dying. It would be difficult and he didn't have the heart to hurt his friends even more than he already did sometimes. It broke his heart just thinking about it and he knew he had to and would suffer in silence for everyone's well being. Thinking about it, though, made him wonder something.

Would he miss me if I was gone?

Kihyun didn't know. He and Hyunwoo barely talked recently and the older didn't even seem to notice or care. Maybe he had been wrong all along and that they had never been friends. Maybe Hyunwoo's kindness was just a facade for the well being of their work environment.

The thought made his heart ache in a way he didn't think was possible. Oh, he felt sick.

By the time his momentary sickness was over, so was the movie. Every member had already got up to go to his room and Kihyun was about to do the same when he saw his leader's eyes fixed on him. He felt rather...Observed and it made him feel anxious. Did he do anything wrong? Was he about to get scolded?

-I'm sorry…

Those words shocked greatly the younger man, who truly did not understand. Sorry about what?

-Look, whatever I did wrong, just tell me, slap me, do something! I never wanted to hurt you, I'm so sorry that I did something so bad that pushed you to get away. I didn't wanna invade your bubble but now I need to tell you, please forgive me, I'll do anything! Don't hate me!

Son Hyunwoo was here, begging him for forgiveness for a thing he didn't even do and crying. Shownu was crying, a little, looking at his main vocalist with pleading eyes. At this moment, Kihyun wanted to slap himself so hard.

How could he have even thought that Hyunwoo might not care? That he might be an asshole? How could he doubt their friendship like that just because of his stupid feelings?

So here was the smallest man, standing speechless as he felt so, so guilty for many things. He hated seeing Hyunwoo cry, especially since he was the reason why. It broke his heart even more than whatever he saw and himself lived.

-Hyung, no, I'm sorry, said the youngest man as he wrapped his elder in a tight embrace. He knew he would lie from now on, but he couldn't let Hyunwoo cry like that or tell the truth. 

-I'm just really tired, I don't hate you at all! I'm so sorry, I never intended to get away from you, I didn't even notice...You did nothing wrong, I'm sorry hyung…

Kihyun didn't know how many times he actually said sorry, but he felt the need to even say it again. He could feel their leader sobbing against his chest and that shook him to the core. 

Hyunwoo had never been one to cry easily. He was the one that showed the least emotions in general, being a rather calm and neutral person. So seeing Shownu, out of tiredness and worry, sob against his chest...It made him feel something inside…

The need to protect. At this moment, Kihyun had wished he would be the only one to ever hold Hyunwoo like that, the only one who could protect him; but as people say, it was good to dream.

Nonetheless, it wasn't about him. Kihyun held Shownu like that until he was somewhat okay, drying his tears and apologizing for having this sudden emotional outburst. 

Kihyun, Kihyun wanted to scream at him that those moments were the only one giving him a purpose. That he wanted to always be there, never letting anyone else see Hyunwoo like that. The main vocalist knew how, once again, selfish it was, but he felt as if the day Hyunwoo would open up to someone else would be the day where he'd be let down. He didn't want someone else to take his place; it would kill him.

But he kept it secret, like his feelings. Told his elder how sorry he was once again and how he would never mind those outbursts, that he was happy to help.

"You're an angel, Kihyun. We're lucky to have you, I'm lucky to have you here."

Hyunwoo smiled while saying that and it killed Kihyun a bit more. Because he knew this sentence was spoken to him in a friendly way. Because Hyunwoo was a straight male with-he knew-some tastes that would never pick Kihyun if he was gay. But if the latter had to be the perfect supportive friend to stay by Hyunwoo's side, he'd do it. He could be happy with the "amazing friend" title.

He knew once again that he was bullshitting himself, but he prayed his brain would somehow believe this for at least a few moments or days.


	4. Oh I'm head over heels and I feel so dumb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, a really long chapter ahead. Very heavy. Hyunwoo centric at the first for once.
> 
> TW:Panic attack, mention of heavy homophobia and homophobic acts, mention of past suicide attemps, alcohol abuse
> 
> [Yes it will have a good end i promise]
> 
> [Title of Tobacco and tears by Chelsea Collins]

Hyunwoo let himself slide down the wall, body shaking. All the boys were gone now, and as soon as the last one passed the door, his body gave up. He had been in an anxious mood all day, feeling something scratch under his skin, making his whole being itch. Something that couldn't go away and bothered him greatly. Yet, nothing had been as bad as it was now. He could feel everything around him darken slowly, thoughts invading his mind.

Hyunwoo had been thinking about it often since debut, knowing it was over for him. He hated the fact he was gay, hated the fact he couldn't be like any other guy, and watch girls with neediness. No, he was more the type to check out other guys; especially one. He had known since the day he first saw the other in the practice room, heard his name.

"Yoo Kihyun, congratulations on this monthly evaluation. You did remarkably."

Had known since he saw that adorable smile the younger exhibited. Hyunwoo had been smitten since the first day, his world had been changed in a way. At first, when he had been next to Kihyun for the first real-time on no mercy, his heart had stopped. How could he be in a room all day with him and resist his impulses? He still remembered the ache in his veins when he sat down after the first day. The day had been hell and choosing a song had been even worse. His throat ached, so did his body, but his heart was the most pained. There was tension, an awkwardness in the room that made him feel like he didn't belong here. Like Kihyun hated his guts. To think your crush hates your guts is not pleasant, especially not if you gotta work with him. And so, every day had been more painful. Every time Kihyun sang, Shownu both fell more in love and hated himself more. What was he doing here? He had no real talent. He was a good dancer, sure, but that was it. He felt so much...Inferior to his dongsaeng. Felt like, even if the boy didn't hate his guts, he'd still never have any chances with him because Hyunwoo didn't deserve someone so incredible. 

Kihyun wasn't a faggot like him, anyway.

This thought had him sobbing, curling on himself a bit more. He was pathetic, crying in the hallway against the cold ground. His muscles were screaming in pain from constant dancing and moving around. His body was screaming at him to take a rest while he, tried to scream at his mind to take one. He just wanted to stop being so scared and doubtful of everything, wanted to stop his heart from clenching so tight it hurted him. He just wanted the damn hurt to stop, was it too much to ask?! 

He was tired of being scared of himself, of his own feelings. He could barely look at Kihyun without the intense need to cry nowadays, especially ever since the youngest started avoiding him. It hurted so much, seeing the boy he loved go away like he didn't exist anymore. Like they were back in the trainee days. 

What Hyunwoo hated the most was the fact he loved the boy. He couldn't help it, he loved guys and especially him. As a leader, though, he had six boys' futures on his back and it was his responsibility to lead them. He couldn't let them go because he was one of them. A fag.

What would they do if they discovered he was gay? Would they do like some of the trainees did? 

He was here, trying to scream at them to stop. He couldn't breathe, couldn't open his mouth or eyes without being invaded by water. Behind him, three or four boys were laughing. One was holding his head in the water of the toilet, making sure he couldn't breathe. He really couldn't breathe anymore, he was sure he was going to die that day. His body never shook so violently with fears, his pleas muffled by the water. And they were laughing, kicking him.

"Every fag deserves something like that. Just die and stop polluting the planet with your disease. Fucking weirdo."

Hyunwoo remembered how he fainted there and woke up with the disappointment that he wasn't actually dead. He remembered the pills he took that night until he fainted again. The days at the hospital, the bitter feeling of numbness pills gave him.

Now, he was feeling it again. That sensation of needing air, chest rising up and down quickly. He couldn't control it, his whole body shaking violently. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't. He was going to die here, on the cold ground, tears rolling down his face. The world around him was spinning, dark circles dancing in front of his eyelids. Even if he closed his eyes, they seemed to still be here. The ache in his body, his veins, his head, the air quitting his body and never going back; he wasn't going to survive this night.

He thought, maybe it's for the better. But that was before he felt a pair of arms wrap around him and a voice he knew well speak into his ear. It was Kihyun, who was once again here and holding him. Not letting go. Hyunwoo didn't know how many times he stayed there, gripping his friend's shirt until he felt he could finally breathe again. As he lifted his head, he saw the perfect face of his friend.

Friend.

The thought broke him a little, and he knew what he needed at this very moment. He needed to drink.

-Hyung, where are you going?

Kihyun seemed lost as he saw his elder get up.

-I think I need a drink, and to see people a bit. You can come if you want.

Shownu knew his dongsaeng would come. He was like a mother at this very moment, wanting to protect Hyunwoo. But Hyunwoo wasn't a kid. He didn't actually want Kihyun to come, but he didn't wanna have to deal with a conflict. He just wanted to forget. So here they were, walking in the street in silence. He could feel Kihyun's worries, silent questions, but it just irritated him more in a sense. Once in Kihyun sat with his bandmate close to the bar and ordered a little glass of beer. He started drinking it as he looked around. He was very stressed for the elder and felt like he was actually irritating said boy. Yet, he couldn't just let him drink alone after what happened; he would worry too much and he didn't want anything bad happening to the one he loved so much. He hated feeling like he was too much like he was an inconvenience for just helping. Especially when Shownu started drinking something stronger. 

Kihyun tried to stop him but just received a low growl with a "you're not my mom" and started drinking bitterly. Shownu was kind of scary when he acted like that, and it scared a bit the youngest. He was just trying to help! He felt the tears rise up to his eyes but quickly dried them discreetly. He was too much, he always was. He couldn't even stop Shownu from going away when the man got up silently and went god knows where. Kihyun didn't say anything out of fear to anger the older man and just sat there, drinking.

He wanted to be angry at Hyunwoo for treating him in such a way when he was just trying to help. Sadly, he knew he couldn't. It was impossible for him to be angry at his best friend; stupid feelings. 

As he was sipping his drink sadly, Kihyun saw something that made his whole world stop. There was his leader, a bit a little further away. Kihyun would've been happy, or at least glad to have spotted him if he wasn't seeing such a thing. Indeed, there was Hyunwoo in a corner. Kissing a girl, making out with her even as her dirty hands were caressing all his body.

The sight made Kihyun want to throw up. It was one of the worst things he'd ever seen. And it hurted him like nothing else ever did; it was like being stabbed multiple times. His head was spinning, tears sliding down his cheeks easily. He could only grit his teeth in anger, sadness coursing through him. He wanted to run away, to die here, to bang his hand against the nearest wall. However, there was nothing Kihyun could do except drink.

And drink, that's what he did. 

He drank one glass after another, swallowing every drop of the bitter liquid with ease. His throat hurted so damn much, screaming at him to stop just like his body did. Yet, he didn't stop. The smaller man drank and drank until he couldn't feel the hurt in his core, the gaping hole in his chest. 

He could see them, still making out against a wall. Then, she took his hand and brought him to the nearest bathroom. That completely tore Kihyun apart, knowing what they would do in there. The blurry image of his hyung getting dirtied by the first girl he saw would haunt him forever, he knew it. A dirty, ugly girl was in there with him while he couldn't even get half of what she had. She had more value than him in his hyung's eyes. Of course, he'd never want Kihyun, why was he so stupid?

He drank. Until he couldn't think any more about Shownu and that girl. Until he couldn't think or do anything at all. Until he saw black, his head spinning. His body felt weirdly light.

And Kihyun blacked out, his body falling on the ground. People were quick to rush around him in panic, people calling an ambulance after seeing he wasn't waking up.

It was only when Hyunwoo got out of the bathroom, feeling dirty and sick more than ever, that he saw the body of his friend laying on the ground. He saw his mouth agape and saliva escaping it. That night, Hyunwoo's world stopped turning too.


	5. Heartache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another sad chapter. Last one I promise

When Kihyun opened his eyes, everything was white. Frightfully white and grainy; it made his head hurt. He didn't even try to figure out what was going on and just closed his eyes again, trying to let go of his headache. His head was spinning, which was not a pleasant feeling. It is as if the time around him has stopped; he could hear people moving around him and felt his heart slowing more and more. Kihyun then felt gradually lighter and lighter, as if the pain was easing throughout his body. This feeling of neutrality, lightness, was very pleasant and he let himself be immersed in it. No matter where he was, he felt pretty good; he let himself be carried away by the subconsciousness once more as a few screams around him were heard. 

When Kihyun woke up again, it was in a displeasing state. His mouth was thick, dry, and the memories of the day before came back to him. He winced at the thought, wishing he could go back to sleep peacefully. Nevertheless, small noises reached the ears of the young man. He understood after a few seconds what it was: someone was crying next to him. What he did not understand, however, was: Why and who? He was not dead.

Kihyun struggled to open his eyes, the light blinding him somewhat. Hardly, numb, the young man turned his head and met Hyunwoo's gaze. His hyung was there, his eyes red and looking bad. The older one seemed mostly angry, something Kihyun wasn't used to see. It was scary, but also...Irritating. Why did he care, now? He didn't care when he was busy fucking that girl at the bar.

-What the fuck was that?!

Hyunwoo's voice was strong, he seemed so angry and worried at the same time. It made Kihyun feel so irritated, he wasn't in the mood to deal with his leader's shit. He wasn't his mom either. Yesterday, Shownu seemed very busy with the girl, like she mattered more than his own friend who tried to help him. 

-You're not my mom. Don't act as you care anyway, spitted Kihyun as he looked away. He was pissed off and didn't want to talk about it to anyone, especially Hyunwoo. He hated that, just wanted to be alone. He didn't want to feel. He closed his eyes tightly. Hyunwoo, him, felt also so angry to be treated like that. He felt like Kihyun was just taunting him, repeating what he said three days ago. He had spent the last few days in that damn hospital, staying by Kihyun's side and worrying like crazy. He had always been there for the youngest, always tried to talk to him when HE was the one that, in the past, ignored him. How could Kihyun dare say that Shownu didn't care?! 

-No, I'm not your mom! But I spent three days here for you, I think I can request a damn explanation!

At this moment, Kihyun looked at his friend. And did a bitter smile, then sighed looking away. He felt uneasy, sick. Being asleep or dead seemed so much better.

-You're just doing that for the job, quit the act. I know I behaved badly in public, blah blah, now fuck off and go fuck another woman.

Hyunwoo's mouth dropped wide open, eyebrows furrowing in confusion and anger. What? Was that what Kihyun thought of him? That he was some kind of fuckboy with no heart only worrying about his reputation and career?

It was like treason. 6 years, that's how long they have known each other for, and Kihyun still didn't know him. Had always seen him as some kind of an asshole. It hurted Hyunwoo greatly, to think that every time Kihyun acted nicely, it was all an act. Made him angry but especially...Sad. 

-That's what you think about me...Nice. Thank you. Then I guess I'll go if you think I'm some kind of selfish asshole.

Hearing the hurt in Hyunwoo's voice made Kihyun's heart ache greatly. He kept his eyes closed; he didn't want to see the latter's face as he knew it would probably hurt him even more. Indeed, some silent tears were running down his face. They were both hurt, both dumb. And Kihyun already regretted his words. Especially when he spoke the following words:

-Yeah, whatever. I don't care, just fuck off. 

Hyunwoo closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. It hurts. So fucking much. 

-Well, I guess next time I'll leave you there instead of coming to help. Good luck dealing with it alone.

Shownu left and Kihyun heard the door bang. As soon as his leader left, the younger man started sobbing. His heart was clenching tight, his body shaking. Everything was irritating him and especially the tubes in his arms. He tried to get them off, so violently that doctors were obligated to stop him. He was now kept still and all he could do was sob violently and try to forget the ache in his heart.

Meanwhile, Hyunwoo closed the door of the house behind him in a loud noise. Jooheon, in the kitchen, jumped in surprise. Same for Minhyuk and Hoseok, who felt their leader wasn't in a good mood. Yet, they were all worried for Kihyun.

-Can we…

-I think he prefers to be alone, was all the older said as he went to his room. His voice was firm, angry, yet they all felt it was somewhat broken. They couldn't do anything about it though; knowing it was better to leave Shownu alone in those times. 

As soon as said man entered his room, he let himself fall on his bed with a loud sigh. His eyes were closed shut, tears escaping him again. He felt dirty, broken. Like a part of his heart had been taken from him. Kihyun was the one holding that part of his heart, destroying it. Kihyun didn't care about him, wanted him gone. Like everyone; he loved a man that hated him and would hate him even more once he would know the truth.

At this moment, Hyunwoo wished the trainees would have killed him that day in the toilets.


	6. So beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The happy ending. Might do a bonus one day, who knows.
> 
> [I know I made refernces to a lot of songs there and there in the chapter, taking some lyrics]

Kihyun had been told he could go back home that day. As he was staring through the foggy window, all he could think was that he definitely didn't want to go home. The simple thought of seeing Hyunwoo was messing him up inside, making every fiber of his being ache. What a dumbass he was, putting his group's reputation at risk and talking in such a way to his leader. He knew Shownu worried for him as he did for every single one of his members in an almost fatherly way. Kihyun knew Shownu was worried for him as a friend and deeply loved the youngest as a friend. He hated the way his own mind sometimes messed him up and made him believe that he didn't matter at all for the oldest man. It wasn't because Hyunwoo wasn't in love with him that he didn't love him. His brain was so stupid himself. 

Kihyun felt his breath pick up and he tried to calm it. When it was somewhat done, he closed his eyes and tried to relax. He could still hear the rain falling outside, hitting the window and slowly creating a little bubble around him. Thinking about nothing, eyes closed, he could almost feel light for the first real-sober-time in days. His moment of peace was though soon to be interrupted as a knock on the door was heard. Kihyun sat back on his bed, intrigued. The person wasted no time in entering the room, making Kihyun's heart stop. 

Hyunwoo had always had this effect on him lately. Making his world stop or tilt slightly, like an explosion in his life. Just by existing. Even if the main vocalist had to admit Hyunwoo looked rather horrible at the moment.

-Hey...I came to get you home.

Seeing him hurt as always. Knowing he was the one behind Hyunwoo's hurt made him feel more guilty than ever.

-I can walk home alone, thank you.

Kihyun was quick to grab his jacket and put it on his back. At this point, Hyunwoo was determined to stop the younger boy from running away once more.

-Kihyun, that's ridiculous, it's raining outsi-

It wasn't surprising when Kihyun started running away in the hallways of the hospital. He was running like something was chasing him as if he wasn't running away from his own feelings and problems. He couldn't handle it-Couldn't handle being close to Hyunwoo without his heart exploding and his brain becoming all funny. He couldn't do it anymore, couldn't keep being hurt that way. Couldn't keep hurting his friend like that. He didn't even know what he wanted anymore. It was killing him, how fear was holding him down even when he wanted to hold his hyung so tightly. He was sure he would die because of said boy, he couldn't keep supporting all this. It was a love of sorrow, which played in his heart like a cry of pain. His soul was a prisoner of this solar love. It was like Hyunwoo was going in his head then leaving him alone in the dark.

And the second Hyunwoo was Kihyun run away, he knew he couldn't let him go. Not another him. He didn't accept being left alone another time. This needed to be solved, now. They were both in deep and Shownu was going crazy and had dreamt about him nearly every time this week. Had listened to this stupid song that made him think of Kihyun in repeat. He was always crawling back to the man, but he couldn't help it. He had to know. So he started running too, faster than he ever did in his life. Running fast enough he felt his lungs scream in pain, but he didn't care. Hyunwoo had to know what was happening, had to solve it all. Had to tell the truth. 

The rain was pouring violently all over them, soaking them both. Kihyun had difficulty seeing where he was going, hearing the footsteps behind him. That made him run faster. Until he couldn't run anymore and felt someone catch him in an embrace, pushing him against the nearest wall. Kihyun was shaking, soaking wet, looking at Hyunwoo's wet face. The way he was trying to take his breath back, his eyes looking at him directly. This took Kihyun's breath away. One of Hyunwoo's endless effects on him. He just had to exist and Kihyun felt pulled towards the oldest male, breath stole every time. Shownu held a galaxy in his eyes and being that he seemed to be constantly unaware of. Kihyun had tried to resist but still wanted all. He was a fool, wasn't he? Everything had shattered by his fault. 

Nonetheless, at this moment, it was like the world stopped spinning around both of them. Neither of them had been able to tell how many times they just looked at each other in the eyes, sharing so much emotion. Suddenly, as if pulled out of his trance, under the heavy rain, Kihyun was pulled into a tight embrace by Hyunwoo. The man held him as if he would evaporate, tears rolling down his cheeks. The smaller man could only hold onto his friend and keep him as close as physically possible. He didn't want to let go, crying too but he couldn't stop it. Kihyun just wanted to stay there forever and keep Hyunwoo close like that. He didn't even know what felt true anymore, but Shownu felt right. Shownu always felt right. 

Hyunwoo was shaking by the time they slowly let go of each other. His breath was heavy, the rain now only light. He didn't care about his damp clothes and his hair sticking to his face, he just wanted to never let go of Kihyun. To stare at him forever. Hyunwoo just wanted Kihyun's heart. What he was, his sorrows, and the rest. He imagined so much of the youngest thing, complicit insomnia and drowning in his vices. He just wanted his heart. Yet, no word could ever hold enough meaning to show how truly Shownu loved his bandmate. There was nothing that could possibly show him the expense of his feelings; those he couldn't even feel guilty of at this very moment.

-Kihyun…

His breath was still heavy. His voice was quiet, like a whisper that only Kihyun could hear.

-I'm in love with you.

For the umpteenth time, the time seemed to have stopped. The sincerity in Hyunwoo's eyes was enough to make Kihyun feel all fuzzy inside. Like all his worries had been lifted from his shoulders, leaving him in a trance where nothing else existed other than Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo and his eyes with a galaxy in them, Hyunwoo and his heavenly smile. Hyunwoo and endlessly giving heart and warm embrace. And lastly, Hyunwoo and his soft lips melted against Kihyun with the perfect mix of urgency and love. Kihyun wanted to die in his arms, kissing him back as nothing else existed. The tallest man thought that if that was what heaven was, he'd gladly die now. He wanted to kiss him until the end of times, feel his endlessly soft lips against his for the rest of his life. Even when they parted away, the sweetest taste stayed on their lips before they connected their mouths again. Both boys kissed like that for god knows how long, practically becoming one. Kihyun's body felt so warm against his own, feeling those hands he loved so much in his neck as he was holding the smaller man's waist. 

-So beautiful, the older man whispered against his bandmate's lips. It made him smile.

-Are you talking about yourself?

Kihyun couldn't find himself to break the moment. He was smiling, softly, holding his hyung like there was no tomorrow in the softest way possible. A smile rose on the latter's lips too and Kihyun couldn't feel better than at this moment.

-I'm in love with you too, said Kihyun. Because even if he knew Hyunwoo knew, he felt the need to say it. He needed to say it out loud. At this moment, the leader felt like his heart might burst. He was melting inside. This was all he needed to hear.

-Then why don't you kiss me again? What are you waiting for?

Kihyun kissed him again. He couldn't get enough.

Truly, so beautiful.


End file.
